Scientist Elon Musk announced today that it was he who invented reality. “Being the genius that I am,” Musk admitted with a great deal of unnecessary stammering, “I looked through my notebooks from the second grade. There I found plans for an infinite reality cycle that I called ‘zörgenweister.’ It is clear from this research that I invented reality.” In a separate incident, police are … Continue reading BREAKING: Elon Musk Invented Reality
Senator Ted Cruz admitted in a press conference on Wednesday that it was his father, not John Wilkes Booth as the history books have presumed, who killed Abraham Lincoln on that fateful night at Ford’s Theater in 1922. The Texas Senator, surrounded by a team of attorneys, admitted that his immediate family had directed a “smear campaign” against Mr. Booth because “we hate actors.” He … Continue reading BREAKING: Wilkes Booth Innocent
Tucker Carlson revealed in a Fox News exclusive last night that his colleague Shepard Smith—or “Shep,” as he is affectionately known around the office—is “obviously a clinton supporter” (he also asked that all news media not capitalize “Clinton” in his quote so as to further emphasize his disdain). Carlson found particularly incriminating evidence that Shep donated $8.3 million to Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign over the … Continue reading Shep Smith: Clinton Supporter?
The wax candle flickered the wick had almost completely burned and I sat there looking at my birthday cake. No one came to my party I made my own cake out of a box. I couldn’t bring myself to slice a piece The vanilla frosting began to melt. The fondant, however, remained a solid hunk of sugar I heard a knock on my … Continue reading The Birthday Cake
Today’s question comes to us from Joe S.. He writes: What is the most effective way of taking grain from Kulaks? And how do I industrialize my country in, oh, let’s say 5 years? Your assistance to the Party will be noted in the survival of your immediate family. Ah, an excellent question, Joe, and one I am asked quite frequently. You see, Joe, the … Continue reading Ask Brent: Grain, Industrialization
This week’s question comes to us from Ronald R. He writes: Hey Brent! I’ve been working on a project for school, and I was wondering: who was the greatest thinker of all time? Any help would be much appreciated! Your man, Ronald R. An excellent question, Ron. Especially in this day and age of great minds like Stephen Hawking and Beyoncé, how are we supposed … Continue reading Ask Brent: Greatest Thinker
The Senate is a political organism we are all familiar with; it looms over the US government, casting its long shadow into every function of the state–except the ones that matter (e.g. torture). It is nearly omnipotent, weighing in on all matter from the next supreme court justice to the activities of private citizens. It commands from above forging a path for nations to follow. … Continue reading Musings on The Filibuster