Afghanistan To Open Heroin Trade

The Afghan government will now allow the legal trade of heroin and other opioids with other countries according to a new law passed by the National Assembly of Afghanistan.

Spokesperson for the Afghan Ministry of Commerce said in a statement that “seeing as heroin is our number one export, we decided it would be best to accept this industry and aid in its development. We are simply embracing the western idea of laissez-faire economics.” Because heroin will now officially be included in Afghanistan’s economy, official GDP per capita is expected to rise some 250 percent.

Since the American invasion of Afghanistan in 2001, the tonnage of poppy-based drugs smuggled out of Afghanistan has tripled. The Afghan Ministry of Tourism has already produced beta versions of ads that will be released in several major western countries about the legalization of heroin.

Entrepreneurs in Afghanistan have begun adapting popular underworld drug cocktails into marketable items, such as the “Drone Strike,” a combination of ammonia and Oxycodone, or the “Roadside Bomb,” a mix of straight heroin powder and baking soda followed by a swig of vinegar which induces vomiting while creating a euphoric feeling.

Small business applications have risen by nearly 47 percent since the opening was announced.

Spokesperson for the Afghan Prime Minister said the new rules would be lead to “biggest boom to the economy since Reagan sent us money and weapons to fight the Soviets.” Legislation in the Afghan assembly would allocate $2.5 billion of American aid money earmarked for “economic development” to rebuilding Kabul into the “Mecca of Heroin.”

The State Department declined to comment.

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