Last week, the Hubble Space Telescope captured pictures of planet B-3765 in the Stockelem System, a group of stars and planets in the outer reaches of the Andromeda Galaxy, approximately 2.5 million light years from the Earth. Planet B-3765 is completely covered in ice with average temperatures of -345 degrees Fahrenheit: completely uninhabitable for the Human Race.
Although the planet appeared inhospitable to humans, NASA researcher Zachary Collins decided to take a closer look. In an exclusive interview with The Colomon, Collins stated “The mantra of my division at NASA is ‘If there is water, there can be life.’ I saw that B-3765 was covered in ice, so naturally I began searching for signs of existence on the planet.”
Using revolutionary new NASA technology, Collins dispatched an unmanned space probe to B-3765, where it began searching for signs of life. Surely enough, as soon as it landed the probe was captured by an alien race, which have since been dubbed “polaroids” (not to be confused with the camera), and labeled as hostile. In a press conference, Collins stated that “in appearance, the aliens are most similar to a polar bear with some vaguely humanoid features.”
Following its capture, the probe was taken to the Polaroid headquarters, where it was taken to an emergency meeting with the most important members of society. Surprisingly, the leader was Polaroid in form, with the head of Hillary Clinton. Others present were Barack Obama, Bernie Sanders, and Franklin D. Roosevelt, among others. Top NASA administrator Franklin Bussiere revealed in an interview with The Colomen that “in this ‘meeting’ it was disclosed that the Polaroid race has been controlling the minds of all of our nation’s top Democratic leaders for centuries, as well as the majority of liberals throughout the nation.” NASA’s graphics experts provided us with a rendering of the Polaroids: Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi.
The aliens showed no remorse for having infiltrated the minds of many of our nation’s inhabitants. In fact, Polaroid John F. Kennedy was quoted during the meeting as saying “creating the foundation for the democratic platform and forcing people to believe in these ridiculous liberal ideas has been a blast! We have single-handedly ruined the United States of America for centuries, and we don’t fucking care!”
We at The Colomen are not surprised. How could any normal person in our great country push a political agenda as ridiculous as the Democratic Party’s? It’s only logical that beings with no fundamental knowledge about the United States could support political ideals that are so wrong and so unfit for this nation. Finally, without the twisted influence of those liberal aliens, today’s conservatives will be able to do what’s right for this country in peace.
NASA witnessed all of these occurrences first-hand and sent an emergency report to Washington D.C. yesterday. The country is expected to go on lockdown within the next 2 days while the threat of these democratic puppets is extinguished.