Though philosophers and logicians have been debating for centuries (perhaps millennia) whether the chicken or the egg came first, a new report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has concluded that various other factors—apart from logic and poultry anatomy—may be at play.
Jeff Statheim, head of the bird flu division at the CDC, said on Friday that “big problems like this are ultimately what guides our research.” Statheim’s team performed a time trial in which a dozen eggs were placed in a cage with a dozen chickens.
The study was inconclusive.
While the report did acknowledge the differences as a result of “fluorescent versus incandescent lighting,” it failed to take into account the effects of Democratic corn subsidy efforts. Agricultural experts have suggested that these subsidies have “effectively brainwashed the public with liberalist lies and diverted the public’s attention from their own well-being.”
According to medical experts, Statheim’s mental faculties have been deteriorating since his very public run-in with the Colombian heroin cartel back in ’09. According to local law enforcement officials, Statheim entered government-owned buildings shouting “YOU CAN’T CATCH ME, SANDWICH MAN!” at least 38 times last month.
“It’s mostly post offices and libraries, although public elementary schools seem to be picking up,” noted Officer Gene Delacroix in a phone interview this morning. “About the third time we stopped responding to the calls. We figure he’s not really doing any harm.”