Gorsuch To Be Questioned About Ties To Democratic Party

Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch will face tough questioning from the Senate Judiciary Committee this coming March. Sources familiar with the matter said that he would face questions about his alleged ties with the Democratic Party. According to statement made by a congressional official (who spoke on a condition of anonymity given the sensitivity of the topic), Gorsuch’s connections with the Democrats could lead to his “utter annihilation.” Chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee Chuck Grassley said that “any known ties with the liberal cucks will be investigated to the fullest extent allowed by the Bible.”

Gorsuch came under fire today after claims that he apparently met with Senate Democrats to discuss his position on case of Holy Sacred Divine Trinity Lutheran Church of Columbia and Surrounding Counties v. Pauley, in which city officials refused to pay for the resurfacing of a playground with solid waste management funds. The case has been dubbed “the new Brown v. Board” and will likely set precedent for numerous cases pertaining to solid waste management.

Liberals have retorted that whole thing is a stunt, that “reeks of solid human waste” and that Republicans are scoring cheap political points to appeal to Lutherans. 

Pastor Nicholas O’Mulligan of the Catholic Church next to the Holy Sacred Divine Trinity Lutheran Church of Columbia and Surrounding Counties reached out to us at The Colomen to give his perspective on the matter. According to Pastor O’Mulligan of the Catholic Church next door, the Holy Sacred Divine Trinity Lutheran Church of Columbia and Surrounding Counties is “A lán de maith dúr do drunkards rud, a guí Dia falsa.” Which, as far as we can tell, translates to something about stupid drunkards praying to false gods.

We reached out to the Holy Sacred Divine Trinity Lutheran Church of Columbia and Surrounding Counties through their soup kitchen website. When asked about the Catholic Church, our contact called them “a bunch of IRA limeys.” Public records show that the Catholic Church next door was investigated by the FBI for the funding of the IRA. While no charges were filed against the Catholic Church next door, photographs indicate large amounts of weaponry including ammunition and long rifles were donated to the Irish Branch of the Red Cross from several parishioners.

Meanwhile Senators are taking sides on the matter. Marco Rubio and Tim Kaine—both Catholics—released a joint statement expressing support for Pastor O’Mulligan and condemning the conduct of “their esteemed colleagues” as “churlish.” The few members of the Senate who are Lutheran are reported to be in peace talks with the Baptists. Jewish members of the Senate are purportedly discussing the foundation of a bank that would finance the campaigns of both parties. Mormon members or the Senate are drafting legislation that would legalize polygamy.

No one was available to comment.

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