BREAKING: Candy Man Can’t

Reports Sunday night surfaced on the popular web forum “Reddit” that in fact, contrary to popular belief, the Candyman, in fact, can’t.

The claims were made by user “MikeT1984” on the Willy Wonka sub-Reddit. Efforts to contact user MikeT1984 were unsuccessful. A post has been made to Facebook in the hopes of contacting one MikeT1984 regarding his knowledge of the matter. According to his user edits, MikeT1984 is a connoisseur of all things coarse and unbecoming.

Since the announcement, experts scrambled to determine just what the implication of the Candyman’s inability to do were. Questions were soon asked regarding the nature of the Candyman’s inability to do: Just what exactly could he no longer do? Mix it with love? Make the world taste good?

The axiom that the Candyman can, in fact, do what the Candyman once could do has been a guiding principle of quantum mechanics ever since the discovery of Hawking Radiation. What has become known as “Candyman’s Law” has allowed researchers to go beyond what was possible on 30 years ago. Candyman’s law was instrumental in the construction of nearly every major satellite since the Muffin Man—who lives on Drury Lane—was awarded the Field’s Medal in Mathematics for using the Candyman’s Law to perfect the mass production of Blueberry Muffins in a vacuum cleaner.

Do you know the Muffin Man?

NASA released a press statement calling the possibility of the Candyman’s inability to do “A major setback to the advancement of humans as a species.” It is unclear if NASA will be able to continue research without Candyman’s Law; there are no viable alternatives. Everything that was built using Candyman’s Law will be evaluated thoroughly to determine whether, in fact, its existence is verifiable. One such hurdle is the International Space Station whose orbital patterns were determined using Candyman’s Law.

The Candyman being able to do has been assumed for so many years that many people are simply refusing to believe the report. Many questions will go unanswered as scientists search for answers. In the meantime, the President has ordered all units to be on high alert and has put the country into Defcon 1.

The International Doomsday Clock Commission will hold an emergency session to determine whether or not to move the time to 1 minute until midnight. According to the Chair of the commission “The Candyman’s inability to do has pushed the world closer to Armageddon than ever before.”

While the full implications of the Candyman’s inability to do may never be realized, scientists are promising to go “once more into the breach of scientific uncertainty.” Scientists hope to locate MikeT1984 so he may shed some light on the matter. They even went so far as to have the NSA “Control-F” search MikeT1984 in their metadata files.

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