BREAKING NEWS: Anthropologists Determine True Authors Of Bible

Anthropologists from the University of Colorado Boulder found evidence early Friday morning indicating that the true authors of the Old Testament—known to those in the Jewish community as the Tanakh—were, in fact, operating under pseudonyms.

Traces of writing were found on stones under several layers of silt and sediment in the West Bank of Palestine.  According to literary experts, the writings suggest a clear and intentional plot outline for the 39 books that compose the Old Testament.

Literature expert Sandy Newton—who specializes in religious texts—said in an interview just after the report was released, “You can see the evidence of a clearly intentional attempt to capture readers’ attention throughout the whole thing.  Like in Genesis, God tells Abraham to kill his son Isaac.  Who would stop reading there?”

Other experts have gone so far as to say that “The whole thing was a scam.  This is proof that the church just wants our money.”  (That was Harrison Ford in a recent Facebook comment on the issue).

Scientists and linguists have been able to decipher other traces to determine that the names of the authors “would correspond roughly to ‘Aspartame’ and ‘Mechanic’ in modern English.”

Evidence from the site suggests that their other works include “Summertime Romance: A Tale of Lust and Discomfort” and “Fundamentals of Business Strategy.”

Among the writings was one that suggested plans for a sequel to the Old Testament.  A note at the bottom was translated as “use a bunch of different names to keep them guessing.”

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