Researchers at the University of Research in Watonga, Oklahoma announced the results of their groundbreaking research today at a press conference in the parking lot of the now closed Wiggees Burger Ranch in downtown Watonga.
Lead researcher, Jose Luis “Lucky” Rodriguez (an ex-Jet Propulsion Laboratory janitor fired for his “complicated” immigration status), told reporters, who made the 70 mile trek from Oklahoma City, that, “our research will help guide research science in the coming decades,” and “What has happened these past few months in the great city of Watonga will echo in the annals of history.”
Betty Sue, owner of the Eagles Nest Diner, rated best restaurant in Watonga and known by the locals for its fried rice and lumping, told reporters she was “flabbergasted” and mighty proud of being a “born and raised Watongan.” She hadn’t seen the city so packed since the 1996 Labor day parade when Merl Haggard got lost on his way to Muskogee and ended up performing his routine from the balcony of the Holiday Inn.
The researchers were, according to the local buskers and dealer—who wished to remain anonymous due to an active arrest warrant—researching the properties of Tequila when mixed with liquid rocket fuel and methamphetamine. According to the busker, when the solution is mixed at high temperature, frozen, and lit on fire, it releases a gas so powerful it can “tan the hide off pronghorn a mile away.”
What the substance will be used for is unclear, but DEA vehicles were spotted 5 miles out of town. The researchers were not available to comment on the development. A van was seen speeding out of town, headed towards the border.