BREAKING NEWS: Trump’s Address A Massive Success

President Donald J. Trump gave his first address to “the carnage that is America” two days ago at the Capitol.  He touched on building unity and strength in the United States, restructuring military spending, bolstering immigration security, and reforming healthcare.  But these weren’t really the issues that people wanted to hear about.  Not at all.

The people wanted to hear his poetry.  They wanted to hear him describe the nation’s future as “a catacomb of enterré potential” or “a bottle of Moxie just waiting to be opened.”  And he delivered, but not before sacrificing time to outlining his very specific plans to “Make America Great Again!”

Trump pointed out how big companies throughout the United States have recently announced that they would soon be creating many new jobs in America.  He also mentioned that, since his inauguration, stock prices have risen dramatically.  It is clear that the President played a major role in both of these events.  Said White House spokesperson Linda Davis, “He’s been calling up Ford and GM and a bunch of places to see if they’ll make more jobs in America.  He’s been doin’ it like 13, 14 hours a day.  He hasn’t signed a single bill since last Tuesday.”  Ms. Davis also noted that President Trump had access to a ‘stock thermostat’ in the Oval Office.

President Trump also touched on immigration, saying “we will stop the drugs from pouring into our country.”  He also unveiled the Victims Of Immigration Crime Engagement office, which will be an excellent way to keep the country “united in condemning hate and evil in all of its ugly forms.”

In his discussion of military spending, Trump added that “none are braver than those who fight for their country, unless they get deferment because they have a leg problem, in which case they’re the true heros.”

Perhaps most significantly, President Trump spoke about the Republican plan to ‘repeal and replace’ Obamacare [good riddance].  He said the new plan will decrease costs and increase quality.  Sounds like a great plan already!

Trump noted that mandating health insurance was “never the right choice for this country.”  Exactly!  All those quacks with degrees in ‘economics’ or ‘health science’ would have you believe that insurance only works if people of different risks are grouped!  “Don’t believe them!” says our President, “Stand up to them and fight for what you intuitively feel is right with little to no expertise or even research on the subject!”

The President said that we need to make sure that “people with pre-existing conditions have access to coverage.”  But I don’t think he’s going far enough.  If we really want to save the taxpayers money, we need to stop coverage for all conditions, pre-existing or no.  We could save a fair amount more simply by murdering all the people above the age of 65 or anybody whom we suspect might be from a different country (just like they did in the good ol’ days).

Trump concluded his remarks on healthcare saying, “we must make sure that no one is left out [except those commie bastards].”

A contingent of women were also seen wearing white as a tribute to Trump’s main demographic.  Said spokesperson Shelley Peterson, “We just wanted President Trump to feel more comfortable.  We figured that wearing all white would help him feel more at home.”

Throughout the address, decent, polite, loyal, hardworking Republicans stood up to applaud their Commander in Chief and his fantastic ideas, while their rude, perfidious Democrat counterparts sat as if pouting like petulant children.  “This is not only a disgrace to President Trump, but a disgrace to democracy!” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell while he ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich while sitting cross-legged on the House floor.

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