BREAKING NEWS: Russia To Recuse Self In All Matters Concerning Sessions

In response to allegations that members of the Trump Administration have been in contact with the Russian government—both throughout Trump’s campaign and during his presidency—Russian diplomats and government higher-ups issued the statement that follows:

To whom it may concern,

We, the members of the Kremlin, hereby recuse ourselves from any Russian-led inquiries into potential connections to the Trump Administration.  In particular, we will be outsourcing any and all judicial proceedings concerning possible communication with United States Attorney General Jeff Sessions to the much more impartial nation of Venezuela.

God Bless the Motherland.

In a joint statement issued this morning, Trump and Putin agreed that “This is the best solution for our countries.”

Said Trump in an interview about the joint statement, “This is the only way we’ll be able to get to the bottom of these very suspicious ties to Russia.”  When asked about his own ties to Putin, Trump said “Look, he’s a nice guy—a good guy.  Now that Obama character, he’s the one we should be worried about, hacking mainframes and whatnot, spying on my family and replacing Trump Tower with an exact replica.”

Trump spokesperson Kellyanne Conway promptly interjected, “President Trump is clearly being figurative in this accusation.  He’s making use of metaphor as a rhetorical device to point out how former president Obama has made the Trump image seem, uh…  Seem like…  Ah, I got nothin’.”

Trump merely nodded, adding nothing.

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