The Toothpick Crisis

Weekly reports show a drastic decrease in toothpicks in North Virginia. The problem seems to be isolated solely in the North Virginia region, however this impending epidemic seems to have spread out into South Virginia. Reports show many restaurants have run dangerously low on the wooden stick we all use to clean our teeth. Outspoken loyal customer Jason McDuran recalled, “as I approached the counter last Tuesday I noticed the jar, which is usually filled with many tooth picks, is empty.” Jason walked out of Kalister Steak house full, but his teeth were unsatisfied. We requested an interview with local restaurant owner Carlos Juan Pablo, however we were turned away. Local McDonald’s fry boy, Josh Hinton, had a few comments on the matter: “My boss had asked me to refill the tooth pick jar at the front register. As per usual, I walked to the back room to get some, but to my surprise there were no tooth picks to be found.” A cause of this shortage is currently unknown, but we have been told by officials that they are looking into the matter. Many speculate that so called environmental activists have been stealing them because they “are killing trees”; this, of course, is nonsense. Investigators, however, have said they will answer our questions as soon as they find more information. All we can hope for is that this shortage does not spread to other states or we may be looking at a wide spread famine. My advice to you, the average man, would be to horde these wooden treasures in case a wide spread shortage does occur. Experts have valued a single pack of no more than one individual toothpick to be valued at upwards of .25 cents. They have also estimated an individually wrapped toothpick to cost upwards of .28 cents or more.

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