BREAKING NEWS: Reports of Illegal Border Crossings

After reports of animals crossing over the border illegally from Mexico came to The Colomen, we sent a reporter to the site to investigate directly. Below is the first person account of our reporter and his findings.

I parked my rental car by the barbed wire and chainlink fence emblazoned in flags from the local white supremacy group which sat above the TRUMP signs planted in the dirt. This property resided to a known heroin producer/dealer family who graciously provided 70 percent of the heroin for Maverick County. This was also the family who gave us the tip of the illegal animals crossing over the border. As I walked up the dusty driveway to the double wide trailer which resided on the Texas-Mexico border, I noticed the new gleaming black Chevy truck parked by the side of the trailer. I found myself questioning this, as it was apparent that the truck cost as much as the house alone but was snapped out of my daze as I watched a rather skinny and dirty man drag a young girl who was screaming and crying to a shed just off the path. He looked at me for a second before throwing her inside as he went in after. I started towards them but he abruptly slammed the door and I heard the click of a deadbolt slam.

“Don’t you worry about Bubba boy. He’s just relieving some stress. Get your ass up here.”

I looked up to see a rather large and dirty caucasian woman dressed in nothing but a vinyl apron and gloves standing on the porch. A gas mask hung from her neck. The woman asked to be identified simply as Destiny, to keep her identity safe. I asked her if she was the one who called in the tip.

“You’re damn right I did. I voted for Trump because he knows how to truly keep these filthy animals out of this country.”

I asked her to take me to their neighbors who according to them, were animals here illegally. We walked past the empty jugs of bath salts and fertilizer strewn across the lawn and reached a barbed wire fence. On the other side was a neat and tidy trailer with pretty flowers outside. We stood silently and watched a family of Jaguars step out of there house and walk to there mini van. The dad was wearing a suit and the little cubs were dressed in gender neutral outfits. As they got in the car to go to work and school, Destiny whistled. Three large men ran up and threw pipe bombs at the mini van and I watched in awe as it blew sky high. She took out her crack pipe, lit it, and sucked in.

“Thank the almighty heavens. I have a new production house.”

As I walked back to the car I had a realization. It sure was a good thing that we have people like these around to protect us until the wall is built. We can’t have animals running around selling drugs, killing, and raping now can we? God Bless America and God Bless people like these who protect our white nationalist values every day.

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