BREAKING NEWS: PEW Report Shows That All Gluten-Free Are Racist

Shocking new reports from the PEW Research Center indicate that all people who are gluten-free are racist.

PEW data analyst Judy Rogers says, “The data are in and the trends are clear: with a staggering r-squared of 1.00, decreased consumption of gluten corresponds to increased racist tendencies.”  The report also showed that the majority of gluten-free-induced racism has targeted African-Americans, though a notable portion has also targeted Native Americans and Hispanics.

Social rights activist and lutteur-en-colère Leonard Jefferson said Saturday morning that “This is an outrage to African-Americans across the world, be they European African-Americans or Asian African-Americans!”

Gluten-free advocate and self-proclaimed “I’m so much better than everybody else” Henry Lamontagne said in an in-person interview at his local farmer’s market, “Well, I don’t think it’s fair to say that everyone who is gluten-free is racist.  For example, my uncle Tom didn’t really take an active role in racism, he just found his bedsheets already with holes in them when he bought the house.”  Further correspondence with Henry’s uncle Tom has indicated that the two jointly operate the Greater Milwaukee chapter of the KKK.  Both also sell fresh produce at farmer’s markets and to area grocery stores.

Many grocery stores and fast-food chains across the country—including Costco and McDonald’s—have begun to offer new food items that expressly contain large amounts of gluten.  The fast-food chain Chick-fil-A, however, has taken an alternative approach and—as of yesterday—now offers a menu of exclusively gluten-free options.  Sales are reportedly up 512%.

Since the report was published, pro-gluten rallies have erupted across the United States.  Though the Society for Gluten-Free Americans officially declined to comment, spokesperson Gary Dresden of the American Gluten-Free Lobby admitted later in an interview, “Ah, they got us.”

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