Recently, one of our writers at The Colomen was diagnosed with Autism. That writer, The Illuminator, has suspected for years that he was Autistic, but was never diagnosed. This made us ask some questions here at the office. The first: What is Autism?
Autism is a mental disability where the sufferer wants as much attention as possible, so they have these fucked up episodes when they’re uncomfortable. This is because they are only comfortable when they’re the center of attention.
The second question: Why do people decide to be Autistic? To answer this question, we had to delve deep into the human psyche. We interviewed The Illuminator to see if we could dig anything up.
“I think it all started when I was twelve. My dad had told me since I was a young that I was supposed to sleep with my thumb in my anus and to switch thumbs every night. One morning I realized that I didn’t switch, so I told my dad. He called me a [stupid homosexual] and told me to get out of his face. I made the decision to become autistic without even knowing it, and was never the same since.”
The Illuminator also stated that he still sleeps with his thumb in his anus out of habit.
The third question: Are all mental disorders a choice?
The short answer is yes.
The long answer is also yes, here’s why. All mental disorders loop back to getting attention. Aside from people with Autism, or “Autties” as they are called, people with Ass Burgers are an excellent example of people with a mental disorder that want attention. It is evident that those with this disorder want attention, why else would they give it such a funny name?
The Illuminator has admitted that his episodes are meant to draw attention to himself. I recall the first of these outbursts that I was aware of was during an office fire drill. The alarm went off and The Illuminator immediately started to flail about and cry. He said he was afraid of the fire gypsy Democrats that were going to take his guns. While this is a legitimate fear, it is highly improbable at The Colomen‘s office because of the high security.
So yes, people with mental disorders just want attention. One way that we can help them is to simply ignore them. I am asking you, the readers, to ignore everyone you know that has a mental disorder. Ignore the “Autties” and the “Burgers.” Ignore those with schizophrenia and with obsessive-compulsive disorder. Ignore the mentally handicapped. It’s for their own good.