BREAKING: Comey Confirms Russia Ties, Obama Wiretapping

In his testimony to the House Intelligence Committee on Monday, F.B.I. director James Comey confirmed ties of various Trump Administration officials to the Kremlin.  Though some links were somewhat tenuous, Comey said that “there’s not a shred of doubt in my mind that most of the Administration is colluding with top Russian officials.”

The specific nature of the connections varied, Comey said in his testimony.  “Some Trump Administration higher-ups were connected to Kremlin merely through family ties.  Others, however, were clearly installed by the Kremlin to ‘advance the Russian agenda and establish it as the world’s greatest Imperialist power.'” (That’s what Putin’s Valentine’s Day postcard to the Trump Administration said).

Comey also spoke about Trump’s claim that Obama wiretapped his office: “We have found substantial evidence that Mr. Obama personally bugged President Trump’s offices in Trump tower by sneaking in dressed as a night janitor.”  When Mr. Obama was pressed as to why he had in his possession several janitor outfits, he became visibly nervous and promptly withdrew from the interview under the pretense of “ungodly diarrhea.”

Comey also claimed that, during F.B.I. investigations of Mr. Obama, an American birth certificate—under the name of Barack Hussein Obama—with little pink teddy bears was found in a blue frame above Mr. Obama’s mantlepiece.  The birth certificate, though undeniably cute, was clearly counterfeit, opening a new line of investigation for the F.B.I. that will be pursued in the coming months.

Though F.B.I. spokesperson Miranda Balton refused to comment, a nearby staffer for Mitch McConnell of Kentucky was nodding fairly vehemently as he overheard the allegations against Mr. Obama.

Comey stayed in the Capitol to give an unrelated testimony to the House Committee on Public Indecency.

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