Ask Brent: Phones, Neighbors

Jarvis asks:

I’m not sure about how phones work. How do they work? Also, why are my neighbors so rude?

A very good question, Jarvis.

Phones actually make use of a special government technology called ‘squidging’ to function.  Squidging was first developed in 1967 by a Polish scientist named Nicolli Reznikoff in an attempt to create a teleportation machine.  Though Reznikoff was found several days later in Columbia as very small cubes of flesh, the Polish government repurposed the technology to transmit data through telephone lines.

Essentially, when you speak on the phone, your mind is copied and transmitted through telephone lines (or over cellular signals for cell phones).  Your mind is then destroyed and replaced by one of the copies.  At the other end, your mind is inserted into the mind of the receiver and relevant information is copied.

As a result, telephone technology is very dangerous; roughly 1 in 20 telephone users fails to regain their mind after it is destroyed.  In response to these concerns, the N.S.A. has enforced mandatory default minds.  When a user does not regain his mind after using a telephone, his mind is replaced with a default: either the one copied from a small Malaysian child or that of Larry King.

Your neighbors are probably rude because they hate you.  You dick.

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