Here’s what you need to know:
1. Emmys Last Night
The liberal Hollywood elites convened again last night to make a joke of the American people.
Host Stephen Colbert began his monologue by expressionlessly flipping of the camera for seventeen minutes straight.
2. Senate Republicans enjoy Totino’s pizza rolls.
3. There’s, like, some tornado or something somewhere.
I don’t know, my Google’s stuck in Portuguese.
Guys, Billy Joel is really not looking good.
Retired dermatologist Craig MacLanahan was interviewed from cell A263 early last week and said, “Yeah, geez. He’s got, maybe, three months left at best.” Quinn says “Man, is he startin’ to look like a tomato.”
TD Bank is has already begun planning a New Orleans funeral through the streets of San Jose, Puerto Rico.
Dick Van Dyke contributed reporting posthumously.