Trump to Declare War on Hurricanes

In an bill submitted today to the Foreign Relations House Committee by Rep. Smithson (R-Texas) contained the outline for President Trump declaration of War on Hurricanes. According to sources familiar with the matter Trump was influenced by similar declarations of war on ambiguous concepts such as LBJ’s War on Poverty and Liberal’s War on Christmas.

The bill, which will be read tomorrow, allocates 750 billion for the Overseas Contigency Operation. The money will be taken from Social Security and Federal aid directed mitigating the effects of Climate Change.

It should be noted, hurricanes are formed by winds sweeping off the Saharan and into the south Atlantic Ocean. From there they travel west, directly to America.

The move comes as the number of category 5 hurricanes in the Atlantic during one fiscal year is set to break the current record of 10.25 hurricanes per FY. The past few weeks have seen a series of hurricanes hit the US, causing billions of damage. Trump’s hotel at Mar-a-lago, dubbed the ‘winter White House’ has repeatedly been destroyed and the Trump Organization has spent an estimated 1.75 billion in the last decade of repairs directly related to damage caused by hurricanes.

In the White House press briefing today Sarah Huckabee Sanders defended the declaration. “Hurricanes have relentlessly battered the coast of the US for years, causing trillions in property damage, killing hundreds and destroying an incalculable number of lives. This is nothing short of total war and the Trump Administration is prepared to see this this conflict through to a Victory for US forces.”

Critics of the President have called the decision completely backwards as it cuts all funding and tax incentives for renewable energy. Mark Croutin of The Association for Stopping Climate Change called the action “completely ludicrous” but commented Trump for “an ill-conceived effort at doing something good” and encouraged him–the President–to “go back to the drawing board.”

Speculation has been a flutter as to the nature of this ‘war’. The consensus seems to be that the most effective and logical approach would be to detonate atomic weapons in the eye of the hurricane to disrupt the flow of air. For an in depth empirical analysis on the merits of this plan, please see the film Armageddon, 1998, starring Bruce Willis. Other plans including placing industrial fans on the coastline from Brazil to Washington D.C. Carpet bombing them back to the Stone Age is also a viable option

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