After Venezuela failed to pay back the $280 million that it owes its creditors, loan shark Al Michaels has sent his boy Geno to “take care of those motherfuckers.” When prompted by police to explain what he meant by “take care of those motherfuckers,” Mr. Michaels explained that he merely wished to “pay them a little visit” and proceeded to wink very conspicuously. Officers remain … Continue reading Geno Sent to Break Venezuela’s Legs
Reports from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta indicate that Elon Musk is “way too strung-out to by flying rockets around town.” Said lead anthropologist Mark Weinwright, “We’ve been monitoring his vitals for the past eighteen hours at this point and, well, it’s just pretty clear that he’s not fit to be flying rockets around.” Musk had reportedly purchased over $40,000 worth … Continue reading Elon Musk: Too Strung-Out to Be Flying Rockets?
Scientist Elon Musk announced today that it was he who invented reality. “Being the genius that I am,” Musk admitted with a great deal of unnecessary stammering, “I looked through my notebooks from the second grade. There I found plans for an infinite reality cycle that I called ‘zörgenweister.’ It is clear from this research that I invented reality.” In a separate incident, police are … Continue reading Elon Musk Claims He Invented Reality
Senator Ted Cruz admitted in a press conference on Wednesday that it was his father, not John Wilkes Booth as the history books have presumed, who killed Abraham Lincoln on that fateful night at Ford’s Theater in 1922. The Texas Senator, surrounded by a team of attorneys, admitted that his immediate family had directed a “smear campaign” against Mr. Booth because “we hate actors.” He … Continue reading John Wilkes Booth: Innocent?
Tucker Carlson revealed in a Fox News exclusive last night that his colleague Shepard Smith—or “Shep,” as he is affectionately known around the office—is “obviously a clinton supporter” (he also asked that all news media not capitalize “Clinton” in his quote so as to further emphasize his disdain). Carlson found particularly incriminating evidence that Shep donated $8.3 million to Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign over the … Continue reading Shep Smith: Clinton Supporter?
Brit: Which side is the right side? Me: The right side. B: Yeah. M: No, the right side is the right side. B: Yeah, of course I know that, but which side? M: The right one. B: Yeah, which is the right one? M: You just said which one. B: What did I just say? M: You just said the … Continue reading A Conversation with a Brit
Oh, how few the Righteous are. Few in number, small in stature, They compare us to those from afar, Not knowing how they face disaster. Oh, how few the Righteous are. Owing not to minimal effort, But instead to a platform most bizarre, And a failure of each endeavor. Oh, how few the Righteous are, And what a good thing is that? For the Righteous … Continue reading Oh, how few the Righteous are