BREAKING: Comey Confirms Russia Ties, Obama Wiretapping

In his testimony to the House Intelligence Committee on Monday, F.B.I. director James Comey confirmed ties of various Trump Administration officials to the Kremlin.  Though some links were somewhat tenuous, Comey said that “there’s not a shred of doubt in my mind that most of the Administration is colluding with top Russian officials.” The specific nature…

Memoir: High School Football

My sophomore year in high school I tried out for football.  After the first practice, most of the boys said, “Who’s the fairy?”  And I was like, “No, dudes, I’m one of you!  I’m playing football!”  Soon I learned from the coaches that my only duty was to bring down the water jugs before practice…

BREAKING NEWS: PEW Report Shows That All Gluten-Free Are Racist

Shocking new reports from the PEW Research Center indicate that all people who are gluten-free are racist. PEW data analyst Judy Rogers says, “The data are in and the trends are clear: with a staggering r-squared of 1.00, decreased consumption of gluten corresponds to increased racist tendencies.”  The report also showed that the majority of gluten-free-induced racism has targeted African-Americans,…

BREAKING NEWS: Russia To Recuse Self In All Matters Concerning Sessions

In response to allegations that members of the Trump Administration have been in contact with the Russian government—both throughout Trump’s campaign and during his presidency—Russian diplomats and government higher-ups issued the statement that follows: To whom it may concern, We, the members of the Kremlin, hereby recuse ourselves from any Russian-led inquiries into potential connections to the Trump…

BREAKING NEWS: Trump’s Address A Massive Success

President Donald J. Trump gave his first address to “the carnage that is America” two days ago at the Capitol.  He touched on building unity and strength in the United States, restructuring military spending, bolstering immigration security, and reforming healthcare.  But these weren’t really the issues that people wanted to hear about.  Not at all. The people wanted…

Oscars Disaster: A Liberal Ploy?

Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty—known Democrat sympathizers—awarded the Oscar for Best Picture Sunday evening to ‘La La Land’ instead of the rightful victor, ‘Moonlight.’ It wasn’t until three minutes into their acceptance speech that ‘La La Land’ producer Jordan Horowitz announced that they had not won and that ‘Moonlight’ had actually won best picture. Political analyst and…