The Turtle

The little boy stared at the pond the clear water he saw the fishes swimming the turtle lay dormant at the bottom   He licked his lolly the rainbow colored treat scrumptious and sweet he looked into the pond the fish were gone   the turtle looked at the boy “Why have you no bread?”…

BREAKING: Jesus Was White!

Recent findings from researchers in Israel have further proven an already widely-believed fact: Jesus was white. Jedediah Rawles from Arkansas, an avid church-goer and “follower of fuckin’ Jesus” led the research team. “Yup, Jesus is white. I saw him last night. I was with some buds and I passed out. Woke up and saw fuckin’…

The Monkey’s Tail

It was dark, and the earth quaked. The ground was cracked The Monkey’s tail was severed blood rushed from the hole   I lifted it by the scruff of the neck it shrieked I cast it to the ground in horror it clawed at my legs I cut its throat with my dagger   Under…

Autism And Other Mental Disabilities

Recently, one of our writers at The Colomen was diagnosed with Autism. That writer, The Illuminator, has suspected for years that he was Autistic, but was never diagnosed. This made us ask some questions here at the office. The first: What is Autism? Autism is a mental disability where the sufferer wants as much attention as…

Paint for Me, Elephant

Paint for Me, Elephant Use your strong trunk to stroke with the brush spread the paint across the canvas, and spread democratic values across the globe   Paint me a world where there are two genders where firearms are aplenty where Christ rules where everyone stands for the National Anthem   Strong Elephant, do what…

How Many Genders Are There?

Two? Three? Five? Ten? Infinite? The true number of genders has baffled both politicians and scientists for ages. Until yesterday. On Saturday, researchers from the University of Chicago determined that there were TWO genders: Male and Female. This discovery has ended the debate. The researchers alluded that males were the superior gender in both strength and…

Hot Dogs: Actually Dogs?

In a recent study done by the FDA, it was found that hot dogs are actually not made of dog meat. This shocking discovery has begged the question: Should hot dogs be called hot dogs even if they have no dog meat? To answer that question we must first determine what hot dogs are really…