BREAKING: Jesus Was White!

Recent findings from researchers in Israel have further proven an already widely-believed fact: Jesus was white. Jedediah Rawles from Arkansas, an avid church-goer and “follower of fuckin’ Jesus” led the research team. “Yup, Jesus is white. I saw him last night. I was with some buds and I passed out. Woke up and saw fuckin’…

Memoir: High School Football

My sophomore year in high school I tried out for football.  After the first practice, most of the boys said, “Who’s the fairy?”  And I was like, “No, dudes, I’m one of you!  I’m playing football!”  Soon I learned from the coaches that my only duty was to bring down the water jugs before practice…

Mary Poppins

Beloved nanny of many a 19th Century London children was arrested on Thursday for her flying while under the influence. Pilots landing at London’s Heathrow airport reported seeing a lady floating aimlessly through the sky while carrying an umbrella. The RAF requested several times over radio for the flying women to identify herself or risk…

BREAKING NEWS: PEW Report Shows That All Gluten-Free Are Racist

Shocking new reports from the PEW Research Center indicate that all people who are gluten-free are racist. PEW data analyst Judy Rogers says, “The data are in and the trends are clear: with a staggering r-squared of 1.00, decreased consumption of gluten corresponds to increased racist tendencies.”  The report also showed that the majority of gluten-free-induced racism has targeted African-Americans,…