Scientist Elon Musk announced today that it was he who invented reality. “Being the genius that I am,” Musk admitted with a great deal of unnecessary stammering, “I looked through my notebooks from the second grade. There I found plans for an infinite reality cycle that I called ‘zörgenweister.’ It is clear from this research that I invented reality.” In a separate incident, police are … Continue reading Elon Musk Claims He Invented Reality
Senator Ted Cruz admitted in a press conference on Wednesday that it was his father, not John Wilkes Booth as the history books have presumed, who killed Abraham Lincoln on that fateful night at Ford’s Theater in 1922. The Texas Senator, surrounded by a team of attorneys, admitted that his immediate family had directed a “smear campaign” against Mr. Booth because “we hate actors.” He … Continue reading John Wilkes Booth: Innocent?
To the Reader: The Colomen prides itself with being a source for information and analysis of the highest quality. It brings you poems, news, and everything in between. I, the Illuminator am proud to announce a series, of a philosophic nature, examining the world, be it economic or politics, physics or sociology, I want to bring you a thought that goes beyond the fake news … Continue reading Our Errant Ways: A New Series From The Illuminator
It was 8:30 a.m, Sunday morning, and my son (who is 8) comes down from his room for breakfast. As I sit at my kitchen table, reading the collection of Breitbart articles I printed off the internet and combined into my own home-made magazine, my maid comes over and sets the table. She had prepared pancakes, along with home fries and bacon. However, my maid … Continue reading My Son Prefers Chewy Bacon to Crispy Bacon: What Does This Mean?
Oh, how few the Righteous are. Few in number, small in stature, They compare us to those from afar, Not knowing how they face disaster. Oh, how few the Righteous are. Owing not to minimal effort, But instead to a platform most bizarre, And a failure of each endeavor. Oh, how few the Righteous are, And what a good thing is that? For the Righteous … Continue reading Oh, how few the Righteous are
Since the beginning of time, books have been used to confuse and manipulate the weak and the simple-minded. Take the Bible, for example. It is and has always been the worldwide best-seller. Why? Is the writing particularly good? Any fourth-grader will tell you otherwise. Does it elicit any sense of self-understanding or emotional enlightenment? Clearly not. And yet it continues to fill the pockets of … Continue reading Books: Weapons of the Enemy?
Hey, guys,Please give me back my pants. I really like them.The walk back to my dorm was kind of chilly, and, seeing as how we’re in Ohio, it will only get chillier. As winter approaches, I will be forced to wear socks of increasing height to compensate for the lack of knee coverage, and unless you’re willing to provide me some sort of knee pads, … Continue reading Hey, Guys