Memoir: High School Football

My sophomore year in high school I tried out for football.  After the first practice, most of the boys said, “Who’s the fairy?”  And I was like, “No, dudes, I’m one of you!  I’m playing football!”  Soon I learned from the coaches that my only duty was to bring down the water jugs before practice…

BREAKING NEWS: Anthropologists Determine True Authors Of Bible

Anthropologists from the University of Colorado Boulder found evidence early Friday morning indicating that the true authors of the Old Testament—known to those in the Jewish community as the Tanakh—were, in fact, operating under pseudonyms. Traces of writing were found on stones under several layers of silt and sediment in the West Bank of Palestine.  According to literary…

BREAKING: Candy Man Can’t

Reports Sunday night surfaced on the popular web forum “Reddit” that in fact, contrary to popular belief, the Candyman, in fact, can’t. The claims were made by user “MikeT1984” on the Willy Wonka sub-Reddit. Efforts to contact user MikeT1984 were unsuccessful. A post has been made to Facebook in the hopes of contacting one MikeT1984 regarding his…

Harry Potter and American Politics

Over the course the last several weeks, I have been on a bit of a personal journey, re-reading all of my favorite books and series from my childhood. My most recent series was a classic, a group of books that nearly every person I know has read: Harry Potter. As I was reading, it happened upon…