Geno Sent to Break Venezuela’s Legs

After Venezuela failed to pay back the $280 million that it owes its creditors, loan shark Al Michaels has sent his boy Geno to “take care of those motherfuckers.”  When prompted by police to explain what he meant by “take care of those motherfuckers,” Mr. Michaels explained that he merely wished to “pay them a little visit” and proceeded to wink very conspicuously.  Officers remain … Continue reading Geno Sent to Break Venezuela’s Legs

John Wilkes Booth: Innocent?

Senator Ted Cruz admitted in a press conference on Wednesday that it was his father, not John Wilkes Booth as the history books have presumed, who killed Abraham Lincoln on that fateful night at Ford’s Theater in 1922. The Texas Senator, surrounded by a team of attorneys, admitted that his immediate family had directed a “smear campaign” against Mr. Booth because “we hate actors.”  He … Continue reading John Wilkes Booth: Innocent?

Shep Smith: Clinton Supporter?

Tucker Carlson revealed in a Fox News exclusive last night that his colleague Shepard Smith—or “Shep,” as he is affectionately known around the office—is “obviously a clinton supporter” (he also asked that all news media not capitalize “Clinton” in his quote so as to further emphasize his disdain). Carlson found particularly incriminating evidence that Shep donated $8.3 million to Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign over the … Continue reading Shep Smith: Clinton Supporter?

Musings on The Filibuster

The Senate is a political organism we are all familiar with; it looms over the US government, casting its long shadow into every function of the state–except the ones that matter (e.g. torture). It is nearly omnipotent, weighing in on all matter from the next supreme court justice to the activities of private citizens. It commands from above forging a path for nations to follow. … Continue reading Musings on The Filibuster

Trump to Declare War on Hurricanes

In an bill submitted today to the Foreign Relations House Committee by Rep. Smithson (R-Texas) contained the outline for President Trump declaration of War on Hurricanes. According to sources familiar with the matter Trump was influenced by similar declarations of war on ambiguous concepts such as LBJ’s War on Poverty and Liberal’s War on Christmas. The bill, which will be read tomorrow, allocates 750 billion … Continue reading Trump to Declare War on Hurricanes

The U.N. General Assembly: A Lesson In Pussyfooting

At the end of the Second World War, the leaders of the Allies recognized the need for a strong, authoritative international body to resolve interstate disputes. From the ashes of the world these men rose the United Nations, an organization more revered than the name suggests. The United Nations was created for the express purpose of stopping the annihilation of life. In that sense it … Continue reading The U.N. General Assembly: A Lesson In Pussyfooting

Senator Al Franken’s Secret Past

Senator Al Franken has risen to fame recently for his questioning of Attorney General Jeff Sessions. As he continued to grandstand and smear then Senator Sessions’ name, his ego grew and grew. He clearly feels now as if he is the next star of the Democratic Party, and that he simply can do no wrong in his party’s eyes. He must then of course feel … Continue reading Senator Al Franken’s Secret Past