BREAKING: Comey Confirms Russia Ties, Obama Wiretapping

In his testimony to the House Intelligence Committee on Monday, F.B.I. director James Comey confirmed ties of various Trump Administration officials to the Kremlin.  Though some links were somewhat tenuous, Comey said that “there’s not a shred of doubt in my mind that most of the Administration is colluding with top Russian officials.” The specific nature…

BREAKING NEWS: Trump’s Address A Massive Success

President Donald J. Trump gave his first address to “the carnage that is America” two days ago at the Capitol.  He touched on building unity and strength in the United States, restructuring military spending, bolstering immigration security, and reforming healthcare.  But these weren’t really the issues that people wanted to hear about.  Not at all. The people wanted…

BREAKING NEWS: Senate Budget Committee Members Found At ‘Hooters’ During Office Hours

Reports have surfaced that Senate Budget Committee members met at a ‘Hooters’ outside Washington D.C. last Friday around 1:00 PM for a committee meeting that was offically scheduled to take place at the Capitol building. Customers began to take notice when they saw the number of people in suits with American flag pins.  Said restaurant frequenter Arthur Thompson,…

Elizabeth Warren To Face Charges For Email Scandal

In an incident horrifyingly reminiscent of that with failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, Senator Elizabeth Warren was found sending official government documents through a private account. Her email—spicywarren@hotmail.com—was searched by FBI agents earlier this week.  Said a suspiciously defensive Warren, “Look, I can’t keep track of all these accounts!  I’ve got Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, a Finsta…

House Minority Uses Real Whip

The House Minority Whip, Steny Hoyer, a Democratic Congressmen from Maryland, has apparently taken his new role as Whip very seriously. Congressman Hoyer has been seen parading around The Capitol with a black bull whip in hand. Hoyer has been going from office to office poking his head in and speaking to hesitant congressmen who…

Senate Temperature Bill Fails In Committee

A bill to raise the temperature of the Capitol Building was stalled in the House Transportation and Infrastructure Committee after disagreements surrounding the appropriations for such an action. The U.S. Capitol is approximately 1.3 million cubic feet, a massive building by any metric. To heat such a large volume would add about 100,000 USD to…