John Wilkes Booth: Innocent?

Senator Ted Cruz admitted in a press conference on Wednesday that it was his father, not John Wilkes Booth as the history books have presumed, who killed Abraham Lincoln on that fateful night at Ford’s Theater in 1922. The Texas Senator, surrounded by a team of attorneys, admitted that his immediate family had directed a “smear campaign” against Mr. Booth because “we hate actors.”  He … Continue reading John Wilkes Booth: Innocent?

Musings on The Filibuster

The Senate is a political organism we are all familiar with; it looms over the US government, casting its long shadow into every function of the state–except the ones that matter (e.g. torture). It is nearly omnipotent, weighing in on all matter from the next supreme court justice to the activities of private citizens. It commands from above forging a path for nations to follow. … Continue reading Musings on The Filibuster

Comey Confirms Russia Ties, Obama Wiretapping

In his testimony to the House Intelligence Committee on Monday, F.B.I. director James Comey confirmed ties of various Trump Administration officials to the Kremlin.  Though some links were somewhat tenuous, Comey said that “there’s not a shred of doubt in my mind that most of the Administration is colluding with top Russian officials.” The specific nature of the connections varied, Comey said in his testimony.  “Some … Continue reading Comey Confirms Russia Ties, Obama Wiretapping

BREAKING NEWS: Trump’s Address A Massive Success

President Donald J. Trump gave his first address to “the carnage that is America” two days ago at the Capitol.  He touched on building unity and strength in the United States, restructuring military spending, bolstering immigration security, and reforming healthcare.  But these weren’t really the issues that people wanted to hear about.  Not at all. The people wanted to hear his poetry.  They wanted to hear him describe … Continue reading BREAKING NEWS: Trump’s Address A Massive Success

BREAKING NEWS: Senate Budget Committee Members Found At ‘Hooters’ During Office Hours

Reports have surfaced that Senate Budget Committee members met at a ‘Hooters’ outside Washington D.C. last Friday around 1:00 PM for a committee meeting that was offically scheduled to take place at the Capitol building. Customers began to take notice when they saw the number of people in suits with American flag pins.  Said restaurant frequenter Arthur Thompson, “I just knew somethin’ fishy was goin’ on when I … Continue reading BREAKING NEWS: Senate Budget Committee Members Found At ‘Hooters’ During Office Hours

Elizabeth Warren To Face Charges For Email Scandal

In an incident horrifyingly reminiscent of that with failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, Senator Elizabeth Warren was found sending official government documents through a private account. Her email—spicywarren@hotmail.com—was searched by FBI agents earlier this week.  Said a suspiciously defensive Warren, “Look, I can’t keep track of all these accounts!  I’ve got Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, a Finsta with my friend Nancy from the grocery store….  How’m I … Continue reading Elizabeth Warren To Face Charges For Email Scandal

House Minority Uses Real Whip

The House Minority Whip, Steny Hoyer, a Democratic Congressmen from Maryland, has apparently taken his new role as Whip very seriously. Congressman Hoyer has been seen parading around The Capitol with a black bull whip in hand. Hoyer has been going from office to office poking his head in and speaking to hesitant congressmen who aren’t sure about voting for legislation he is trying to … Continue reading House Minority Uses Real Whip