BREAKING: Jesus Was White!

Recent findings from researchers in Israel have further proven an already widely-believed fact: Jesus was white. Jedediah Rawles from Arkansas, an avid church-goer and “follower of fuckin’ Jesus” led the research team. “Yup, Jesus is white. I saw him last night. I was with some buds and I passed out. Woke up and saw fuckin’…

Autism And Other Mental Disabilities

Recently, one of our writers at The Colomen was diagnosed with Autism. That writer, The Illuminator, has suspected for years that he was Autistic, but was never diagnosed. This made us ask some questions here at the office. The first: What is Autism? Autism is a mental disability where the sufferer wants as much attention as…

Department of Energy: The Truth Behind Stranger Things

The Department of Energy’s Office of the Inspector General opened an investigation into several National Laboratories for their research into gene editing. Many people are familiar with the show “Stranger Things”, but few know how powerful the Department of Energy really is. The DOE is in charge of much of the United States government’s research.…

The Toothpick Crisis

Weekly reports show a drastic decrease in toothpicks in North Virginia. The problem seems to be isolated solely in the North Virginia region, however this impending epidemic seems to have spread out into South Virginia. Reports show many restaurants have run dangerously low on the wooden stick we all use to clean our teeth. Outspoken…

How Many Genders Are There?

Two? Three? Five? Ten? Infinite? The true number of genders has baffled both politicians and scientists for ages. Until yesterday. On Saturday, researchers from the University of Chicago determined that there were TWO genders: Male and Female. This discovery has ended the debate. The researchers alluded that males were the superior gender in both strength and…

Hot Dogs: Actually Dogs?

In a recent study done by the FDA, it was found that hot dogs are actually not made of dog meat. This shocking discovery has begged the question: Should hot dogs be called hot dogs even if they have no dog meat? To answer that question we must first determine what hot dogs are really…

Implications Of A Study Shock Researchers

Researchers at the University of Research in Watonga, Oklahoma announced the results of their groundbreaking research today at a press conference in the parking lot of the now closed Wiggees Burger Ranch in downtown Watonga. Lead researcher, Jose Luis “Lucky” Rodriguez (an ex-Jet Propulsion Laboratory janitor fired for his “complicated” immigration status), told reporters, who…