Reports from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta indicate that Elon Musk is “way too strung-out to by flying rockets around town.” Said lead anthropologist Mark Weinwright, “We’ve been monitoring his vitals for the past eighteen hours at this point and, well, it’s just pretty clear that he’s not fit to be flying rockets around.” Musk had reportedly purchased over $40,000 worth … Continue reading Elon Musk: Too Strung-Out to Be Flying Rockets?
Scientist Elon Musk announced today that it was he who invented reality. “Being the genius that I am,” Musk admitted with a great deal of unnecessary stammering, “I looked through my notebooks from the second grade. There I found plans for an infinite reality cycle that I called ‘zörgenweister.’ It is clear from this research that I invented reality.” In a separate incident, police are … Continue reading Elon Musk Claims He Invented Reality
Senator Ted Cruz admitted in a press conference on Wednesday that it was his father, not John Wilkes Booth as the history books have presumed, who killed Abraham Lincoln on that fateful night at Ford’s Theater in 1922. The Texas Senator, surrounded by a team of attorneys, admitted that his immediate family had directed a “smear campaign” against Mr. Booth because “we hate actors.” He … Continue reading John Wilkes Booth: Innocent?
Humans 200,000 years ago had IQs of over 1000!! Find out why they all mysteriously died! Continue reading Archaeological Breakthrough Upsets Conventional Thought on Human Intelligence.
To the Reader: The Colomen prides itself with being a source for information and analysis of the highest quality. It brings you poems, news, and everything in between. I, the Illuminator am proud to announce a series, of a philosophic nature, examining the world, be it economic or politics, physics or sociology, I want to bring you a thought that goes beyond the fake news … Continue reading Our Errant Ways: A New Series From The Illuminator
In an bill submitted today to the Foreign Relations House Committee by Rep. Smithson (R-Texas) contained the outline for President Trump declaration of War on Hurricanes. According to sources familiar with the matter Trump was influenced by similar declarations of war on ambiguous concepts such as LBJ’s War on Poverty and Liberal’s War on Christmas. The bill, which will be read tomorrow, allocates 750 billion … Continue reading Trump to Declare War on Hurricanes
Brit: Which side is the right side? Me: The right side. B: Yeah. M: No, the right side is the right side. B: Yeah, of course I know that, but which side? M: The right one. B: Yeah, which is the right one? M: You just said which one. B: What did I just say? M: You just said the … Continue reading A Conversation with a Brit