Brent: New iOS?

Apple is trying to keep me from texting and driving. Look, I get it.  “Don’t txt+drv.”  I’ve seen the signs along the highway (their flashing lights are so distracting that I sometimes even look up from my Pokémon GO). Here’s all I’m saying though:  Why shouldn’t I be able to enjoy a nice TED talk…

A Conversation with a Brit

Brit:   Which side is the right side? Me:    The right side. B:    Yeah. M:   No, the right side is the right side. B:    Yeah, of course I know that, but which side? M:   The right one. B:    Yeah, which is the right one? M:   You just said which one. B:   …

Zebras: Cocky Horses

A recent investigation by the Equestrian Society in Fresno, California, found that zebras are actually just horses, but just super pretentious about it. “Yeah, they have, like, the same genetic makeup and everything, they just think they’re better than everybody else,” said researcher Kyle McLannahan, an avid horse-enthusiast. “They prance around like they own the…

BREAKING: Jesus Was White!

Recent findings from researchers in Israel have further proven an already widely-believed fact: Jesus was white. Jedediah Rawles from Arkansas, an avid church-goer and “follower of fuckin’ Jesus” led the research team. “Yup, Jesus is white. I saw him last night. I was with some buds and I passed out. Woke up and saw fuckin’…

Autism And Other Mental Disabilities

Recently, one of our writers at The Colomen was diagnosed with Autism. That writer, The Illuminator, has suspected for years that he was Autistic, but was never diagnosed. This made us ask some questions here at the office. The first: What is Autism? Autism is a mental disability where the sufferer wants as much attention as…

Department of Energy: The Truth Behind Stranger Things

The Department of Energy’s Office of the Inspector General opened an investigation into several National Laboratories for their research into gene editing. Many people are familiar with the show “Stranger Things”, but few know how powerful the Department of Energy really is. The DOE is in charge of much of the United States government’s research.…

The Toothpick Crisis

Weekly reports show a drastic decrease in toothpicks in North Virginia. The problem seems to be isolated solely in the North Virginia region, however this impending epidemic seems to have spread out into South Virginia. Reports show many restaurants have run dangerously low on the wooden stick we all use to clean our teeth. Outspoken…