BREAKING: Comey Confirms Russia Ties, Obama Wiretapping

In his testimony to the House Intelligence Committee on Monday, F.B.I. director James Comey confirmed ties of various Trump Administration officials to the Kremlin.  Though some links were somewhat tenuous, Comey said that “there’s not a shred of doubt in my mind that most of the Administration is colluding with top Russian officials.” The specific nature…

BREAKING: Jesus Was White!

Recent findings from researchers in Israel have further proven an already widely-believed fact: Jesus was white. Jedediah Rawles from Arkansas, an avid church-goer and “follower of fuckin’ Jesus” led the research team. “Yup, Jesus is white. I saw him last night. I was with some buds and I passed out. Woke up and saw fuckin’…

BREAKING NEWS: Paul Ryan Used Obamacare

Earlier this weekend, a report revealed that President Trump had instructed the Federal Bureau of Investigations to “tap Mr. Ryan’s wires”. After two days, the F.B.I investigators reported compromising information that was found on Speaker Ryan. A statement put out by Press Secretary Sean Spicer states,”We are looking into all angles of this ongoing case and the President…

Department of Energy: The Truth Behind Stranger Things

The Department of Energy’s Office of the Inspector General opened an investigation into several National Laboratories for their research into gene editing. Many people are familiar with the show “Stranger Things”, but few know how powerful the Department of Energy really is. The DOE is in charge of much of the United States government’s research.…

The Toothpick Crisis

Weekly reports show a drastic decrease in toothpicks in North Virginia. The problem seems to be isolated solely in the North Virginia region, however this impending epidemic seems to have spread out into South Virginia. Reports show many restaurants have run dangerously low on the wooden stick we all use to clean our teeth. Outspoken…

Henry Kissinger calls Obama a “Negroe”- Liberals Outraged

Henry Kissinger, former U.S Secretary of State and longtime foreign policy advisor to U.S presidents, last year, did a series of interviews with The Atlantic, a failing liberal magazine. The questions from the liberal interviewer were all naive and unfair, and Kissinger’s responses were pretty much his usual ones. However, one interesting development has come out…

How Many Genders Are There?

Two? Three? Five? Ten? Infinite? The true number of genders has baffled both politicians and scientists for ages. Until yesterday. On Saturday, researchers from the University of Chicago determined that there were TWO genders: Male and Female. This discovery has ended the debate. The researchers alluded that males were the superior gender in both strength and…